Friday, July 10, 2009

Prologue Re-edited

The flash of lightning pulled Antoine from a surreal, thoughtful daze.  He had been losing himself in his thoughts lately, a sign that made him worry if he wasn’t a bit loopy.  In his hand, an ice-cold German black lager sat, almost forgotten.  It was his fourth one, and each had taken him an eternity to consume.  The orange glow hidden behind gaps in the storm cloud had faded some time ago, and Antoine had been left to the yellow, artificial haze that the Globe Hotel (the inn he was inside) provided.  The orange flush had been emancipating, freeing the town of Folkestone from the harsh, relentless grips of the torrential rain that had plagued them lately.  Now the rain had returned, and any hope of the warm feelings that a blue sky brings were lost just as quickly as the couple had been.  The owner of the nationally renown “Terry Fisheries & Co.” had been killed, along with his pregnant wife and a majority of the crew.  Antoine couldn’t keep himself from thinking that it had been his fault.  You inebriated bastard, a phantom voice teased, Can’t even fulfill your bleeding --

            Antoine drowned the phantom voice with a long, intense drink from the stein in his hand.  Three gasping breaths helped him recover from the toxic nightcap.  He looked up at the patrons in the Globe Hotel, the drunkenness in his eyes masking the welling tears.  Antoine, who used to frequent the hotel, noticed that the usual patrons and guests were there.  Nothing, not even the perpetual lightning storm and torrential rain shower, could dissuade them from their nightly restitution.  Some people there seemed to just need a little fortification to get them through the week.  There were also a few there that he recognized from the local fish factory, the one that the husband of the couple had run.  Antoine wasn’t surprised to find the workers a little crestfallen.  .  The husband had run the company efficiently, but he had also treated every one of his workers as a different person, not as parts of a bigger machine.  He had always been that way, and it had earned him a place of respect in the hearts of many of the Folkestone citizens.  As a result, many small toasts were being paid to the fallen foreman.

            The great, oaken door to the Globe Hotel opened slowly.  A small, mousy man (and coincidentally a new source of entertainment for Antoine) entered the inn. He looked completely out of his element amongst the drunken, working-class multitude.  With his pale brown three-piece suit and gold-rimmed glasses, he stood in stark contrast to the working class citizens, whose clothes were covered in layers of soot.  Most of the regulars to the Globe Hotel worked in the local factories, and oftentimes did not stop at home before seeking compensation for their backbreaking labor.  The tidy, little man wore a frightened face.  The fool is marking himself for some of the seedier workers, Antoine thought, laughing to himself as he thought what those dissolute thugs might do to the man.

            Antoine allowed himself a few more moments of entertainment at the man’s expense before calling him over.  Coincidentally, this man represented the Terry’s and he had needed to meet with Antoine.  The man was happy to have found Antoine amongst the crowd.  A long, arching wave in Antoine’s direction caused Antoine to raise an eyebrow in incredulity.  Was this man really that foolish?  He made his way over to the table Antoine was sitting at, cordially excusing himself whenever he came close to a minion of the working class. When he reached Antoine, he set the briefcase gently on the table, either not noticing or disregarding the cynical smile that had now replaced the frown on Antoine’s face.  He meticulously unlatched the briefcase he brought with him, extracting documents from within.  As soon as he was finished, he looked at Antoine, a tawdry, trained smile on his face.

            “Hello, Mr. Laurence.  How are we doing this fine day,” he began, but after thinking about what he had just said, he murmured, “Mmm, don’t answer that.”

            “I was hoping you weren’t that daft,” remarked Antoine, his cynical smile now morphing into more of a smirk, “I thought men of the law were supposed to be intelligent.”

            “Now, Mr. Laurence,” the lawyer said, his rehearsed smile fading, “let’s not breach the rules of etiquette on our first meeting.  I call myself Alexander Cabot.”

            “What do you want from me, then, Mr. Cabot?” asked Antoine, his hand running through his tawny hair, as if to say ‘let’s get this bloody ordeal over with.’

            “I would very much like to go over the late Mr. Terry’s estate,” began Alexander, “In his will, he mentioned that you shall be the guardian of the boys until the older boy is of age.  While I have my reservations about the scenario, it was Mr. Terry’s wish.”

            Antoine’s eyes focused on the man, a sneer crossing his face, “What are your reservations?  That a Englishman would entrust his estate to a Frenchman, even temporarily?”

            “Not necessarily,” said Alexander, shaking his head “but your remaining presence at the estate is circumstantial at best.”

A look of pure hatred filled Antoine’s eyes, and the Frenchman moved as though he was going to leave.  Alexander’s hand was quicker than it looked, though. It darted forward, grasping Antoine’s arm and preventing him from leaving. 

            “Sit DOWN, if you please,” Alexander said, to which Antoine obeyed, the hate prevailing in his eyes, “Disregard that last comment.  It’s just, shall we say, old prejudices resurfacing.  Shall I buy us some drinks?” – Alexander snapped his fingers at the nearest barmaid – “Barmaid, two of your finest drinks over here.   A scotch-and-soda for me and a - ”

            “New stein of black beer,” said Antoine simply.

            “As you wish,” said the barmaid, one eyebrow cocked incredulously at the lawyer.

            “Now, back to business,” resumed Alexander, “As you know, I am Mr. Terry’s lawyer and executor of his will.  We first need to consider what we should do with the estate itself.”

            “Burn it.  Demolish it.  I don’t care what the hell you do with it,”

            Alexander was quite obviously annoyed at this point, “Don’t be daft, you inebriate,” he said before changing the subject. “The older boy is to be the steward of the estate, but he is still quite young.”

            “Why are you talking to me about all this?  I’m not quite his family, you know,” explained Antoine, murmuring a quick ‘thank you’ to the barmaid as she delivered their drinks.

“Are you fluent in English?” mentioned Alexander, a definite tone of annoyance in his voice, “In his will, Mr. Terry stated that you were to be the guardian of the two boys, should something happen to both him and his wife.”

“How much research did you do before you came to me?” asked Antoine, his teeth now bared in hostility, “He still has family.  Did you even contact them?  I don’t want to spend the rest of my –”

Before Antoine could finish his sentence, the doors to the Globe Hotel burst open again.  Antoine jolted and looked over at the doorjamb.  Never had he seen a man so angry.  Wet, sticky mud adhered to the man’s shoes and to the cuffs of his pants.  His receding, dark red hair was plastered to his head, little rivulets of water dripping down.  The person’s eyes were very demonic in appearance, an effect likely augmented by a lack of sleep.  His hands were clenched into two furious fists, effectively resembling flesh-colored steel mallets.  His red moustache gleamed over his bared teeth, as though his mouth was on fire.  Only an idiot would cross a man on a rage such as this.

The Mephistophelean man was the first to break the awkward silence following his entrance.   He walked toward Antoine as though he were in a trance, and a large hand slowly rose.  The man pointed at Antoine in a condemnatory manner.  For Antoine, it felt like a knife being pointed at him.  He thought that he likely knew who this man was. 

“Damn you, Antoine Laurence.  How could you murder my brother and his wife?  How the hell COULD YOU?”

3 comments:

  1. Detail Detail Detail...is in he in the hotel lobby? or is it his room? is he watching the sky from a balcony, or through a window? There's no grounding details other than the sky. Is he in germany?(German Lager(Not sure if that's spelled properly. A Lager is a Camp, or Campsite)drinks from a stein.) If he's in Germany is why's the fishing company an English name???....

    As for Antoine...what's he wearing? what's his posture? what does he body tell us that his words aren't? so far we know he's inebriated, and arrogant.

    When Alexander enters you make it seem as if Antoine already knows him, but you don't give us Alexander's name until much later, do they know each other already? or don't they? needs clarification.

    The piece is good, but needs to be rewritten. The flow is a little sketchy, and word order in description seemed a little off(wish I could tell ya more, but that's all my guts telling me.)

    More description of the deceased couple... just some character traits and what their relationship is to Antione...You may have done that later, but it needs to be brought in earlier in order to avoid confusion.

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  2. Truth be told, I mostly just patched up an older version. I think I am going to add some more information along the lines of what you told me and see how it looks.

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  3. Ok....another suggestion would be to try a total rewrite..... just read through it and without really following your previous copy just write it all again...

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